New beginnings

New beginnings

This is my first blog in a while so thought I would do some reflective writing on my current experience of endings and new beginnings.

As I come to the end of my training to become a counsellor it is valuable to spend some time noticing how much has changed, how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

There is suddenly a lot of space. I have more time on my hands now that I am not going to college, not doing the work. The temptation to immediately fill that space is strong. I wonder what the fear is around simply allowing the space to exist.

Why the need to be busy, to be full?

Something around control occurs to me. If I keep all the spaces full then I am in control of what I am busy with. I don’t have to hold boundaries, say no, choose me, as my business does that for me.

The age-old fear of being seen as lazy.

The connection I make between my productivity and my worth. What am I, who am I if I am not full of stuff?

There is also some fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection. Fear that I will waste all the time and money I have invested in this, all the support I have received from my family to be able to do this.

Fear of the loss of the group. The friends I have made, the people I get to see every week just disappearing into the void.

I also feel proud of myself. I wasn’t sure I could stick it out. There were times when it was challenging. I was vulnerable, honest and allowed myself to receive feedback, both positive and negative and actually allow it to settle before I responded.

Over the years I have done lots of different training, always looking to be the best that I can for my clients. This has been no different, but what I have found is that this training is enabling me to be the best that I can be for myself. I have learnt to be compassionate, curious, open, honest and far more loving and giving, both to others, and myself.

My confidence to be my true authentic self has skyrocketed. I am acting in a way that feels true to myself for the first time in years.

My return to social media makes me feel anxious. I feel a bit fake, by not engaging in it over the last few years it feels oddly like I am using it for my own gain. Which I am. I am using it to connect with new clients. And this is ok. I don’t need to justify my absence or my return. Social media is not a person I am using, it is a mechanism to connect. I wouldn’t feel this way about advertising in a newspaper after a few years, so why does social media feel different.

It is the relationships. Social media is a vessel to build relationships, and I realise that I am valuing that more since my training. I don’t want to be fake, so I will be mindful to be present in a way that is congruent, and to respond in a way that is right for me.

I am starting to pick up on some themes. Relationships, rejection, judgement, loss.

All of this links together. I need to build relationships for my business to be a success. Therapeutically with counselling the relationship is key. I feel confident in my ability to do this, but a broader relationship with my target audience feels trickier. The risk of failure and rejection here is real. I am fearful of losing relationships that have begun during my training. The potential loss feeds a fear or rejection.

Judgement. I am fearful that being seen as I am right now will be judged as weak, or not enough, or too much. All pretty standard human fears.

Loss. I am afraid of losing everything I have worked towards, of letting go of old things and stepping into the new. Again, a very human fear.

The question now is what I do with all this.

I connect. If relationships are the central theme, then I must build relationships, which means leaning into the fear rather than avoiding it. It means showing up, reaching out, being honest, taking risks. If I don’t do it for myself there is nobody else who can do it for me.

If a fear of judgement and failure is another level, then I need to look inwards rather than outwards. Look at my truth, my knowing of doing the right thing, of being a genuine person who cares a huge amount, who wants the best for people, and myself.

It isn’t easy. But this is what I do, and this is what you can do too.

This level of reflection is an example of what you can experience in counselling.

My themes are connected to my lived experience, to my conditioning, my history and my beliefs about myself and the world around me. It is my belief that this is true for you to.

Feelings of anxiety, depression, feelings of stuckness, overwhelm, hopelessness can all be lifted with counselling, by building your awareness, by observing your thinking, your feeling, you can find your path through what is troubling you.

If you would like to know more about how you can unlock your patterns, identifying that which is true and helpful, and that which no longer serves you please reach out.

Message me today to take the first step in feeling different, the first step towards hopefully living a life more aligned with who you are and what you want.